it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
