I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
