this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
