The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I need a burrito and a hug.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
