Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
