xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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