he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This is the high leading the old right now
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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