Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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