Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
