I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
