Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
