Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
