never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
