i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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