when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
