why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
