ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
