high people should be assigned attendants
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
should my penis look like a turkey
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize