Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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