Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
