In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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