porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
