I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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