We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
