I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
