i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
