Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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