you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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