I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
