WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
