i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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