On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
