i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
