Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
