youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
