Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
