I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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