The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
