i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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