from now on my penis is your penis
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
