how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
