you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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