no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
