At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
