I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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