I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
