I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
