Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
