Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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