I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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