And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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