fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
