i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
is that a dick in a sweater?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
