Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
