Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
