I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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