I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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