mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
